Trivialville

With all the hooplah surrounding 500 Days of Summer, it was inevitable that I would get caught into it. I am excited to see it and now that a theater I don't have to make any effort to get to has it, I will feed that film to my eye mouths. I just wish Zooey Deschanel wasn't in it.

I don't get it. Seriously. I've seen a lot of movies she's been in, and if I am to understand the love for her, talking monotone and playing the same character every time means she's one of the greatest actresses going today. I'm sorry, but that is just plain bullshit. I don't get excited when she's in movies, and when I watch them with her involved, I usually tune her character out because she is BORING TO WATCH. Yes Man, Eulogy, Tin Man...seriously, does she even try, or is she just using her looks to get people to believe she's better than she is (Jessica Alba Syndrome)?

That's not even the bad part. To me, she comes off as pretentious and very self-involved, like her shit doesn't stink. If I were her, I wouldn't let a bunch of virgins and socially awkward hipster losers swell my head. I won't even get into her music career, because it's barely there and has not produced anything particularly awe-inspiring or original, so we'll leave that be.

Zooey Deschanel: you're cute, and you're monotone hipster chick thing worked once...but you need to stop showing up on things I watch so I can actually enjoy them.

...

On second thought, maybe I'll avoid 500 Days of Summer.

-Jon

The first two Batman films, released in 1989 and 1991 and directed by Tim Burton, set the world on fire. Although Batman had been around in popular culture for a long time, it was generally either low-budgeted (the serials in the 40’s) or the hokey (the Adam West show from the 1960’s). When Batman was released, people took notice: it took the character seriously and its world seriously. Things got even darker in Batman Returns, which features Danny DeVito in the role no one else could ever even try to play: The Penguin. Yes sir, Batman fans finally got not one, but two adaptations that they could be proud of.

As we all know, all good things must come to an end, and Tim Burton decided to sit out for Batman Forever, staying on only in a producer role. Who would replace him? The man that chills the veins of Batman fans everywhere: Joel Schumacher. Director of films like The Lost Boys and St. Elmo’s Fire in the 80’s, his debut in the franchise left a lot to be desired, with a bit of a more hokey spin on it and featuring the charisma vacuum known as Val Kilmer replacing the great Michael Keaton in the title role. However, it would his next film, Batman and Robin, that would kill the franchise off until 2005 when Christopher Nolan revitalized it with Batman Begins. This film is Batman and Robin.

Wait a minute, Trivialville citizens. This is not going to be a slam on the film, oh no no no. Many film sites, film buffs, and crazy film hobos have done this in the past, with funny to annoying results. I am here, as a card carrying Batman nerd (movies, comics, TV shows, you name it), to admit this: I love Batman and Robin.

Sure, it’s got its flaws. It’s bright neon for the whole movie and some of the character designs are gaudy and painful to look at (Batnipples are pretty awkward to look at when you’re 11). The dialogue is bad and the plot is even worse. You know what? Joel Schumacher did not direct a turd: he directed a campy B-movie with a huge budget. I feel like everyone who shits on this movie does not sit back and enjoy it for what it is, and instead spends time in their BatUnderoos jerking off to BatSlash on the BatNet. Fans of any property can get really serious and judgmental, and that’s what happened here: they could not just sit back and enjoy the ride. No, they compared it to the rest of the series and slapped it down because it wasn’t as dark or it wasn’t as good. Yes, it isn’t as good, but it’s different. You can’t compare the two, they are two different visions by two different people.

Batman and Robin has hilarious moments: the Batman credit card (expiration: FOREVER), the Poison Ivy genesis scene, and the entire character and aura of Mr. Freeze (played by Arnold Schwartzenegger). Freeze easily tops Two-Face and The Riddler from the last film, as he may be dumb, but at least he is entertaining (for my money, Batman Forever is unwatchable. I can’t stomach it in the slightest). Everything, from his look, to his cold puns (“let’s kick some ice!”), to his frozen lair where he makes his minions sing songs from the old 50’s Christmas stop motion cartoons, he is just so ridiculous you can’t hate him. Over the top, sure, but absolute ridiculous GENIUS.

Look, we all were shocked when the film came out in 1997. It was a departure from the other ones, and yes compared to the first two (I refuse to count Batman Forever as good), it wasn’t as thematically sound. Listen Batman fans: suck it up, get over yourselves, and give it another watch, expecting a high budgeted B-movie. You’ll enjoy it better that way.

And if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got a friend who would like to say a few words…

I was going to start my time on Trivialville with something cool and something witty, but instead I come to you with an admission. I've tried and tried to find a way to fight it, but try as I might, I just can't. Ladies and gentlemen of the information super highway: I think that Brad Pitt is the coolest actor in Hollywood.

I tried finding real reasons to hate him. Look at the dude. He's a pretty boy, the dude you would find time to bang your girlfriend on your anniversary, while still fitting in keg parties and football games. The fact that he looks not like an invalid should just make my blood boil, because as a natural human emotion we are jealous of people who have a better life than we do. However, that didn't work. So what about his wife, eh? Angelina Jolie. Say what you will about her personality, she is smoking hot. Ignore her twenty kids and bad Brangelina jokes in parody movies. He gets to bang her. Whenever he wants. Any hole he wants. Any room he wants. He probably made a tape too. Yet, at the same time, I realize that she also willingly had sex with Billy Bob Thorton, so that doesn't do anything.

These flimsy reasons cannot get my wannabee hating soul cleansed enough to start an "Anti-Brad" blog. The truth is, Brad Pitt is a damn good actor, and seems like a damn cool guy. He always comes across as a cool guy in his interviews, funny and down to earth, like a guy you could just hang out with. There's no real aura of big shot around him; he does not portray smug. He portrays normal guy who happens to be an actor and bangs Laura Croft.

Plus, look at his film choices. Sure, a few of them aren't the best (Johnny Suede, Cool World, etc.), but for the most part, he has been in movies that are both profitable AND interesting, which is no small feat (ahem TRANSFORMERS 2). Films like Fight Club, Seven, Benjamin Button, and all three Oceans movies (yes, even 12) have not only been hits but have been great movies to watch. You don't sit there staring at your watch and rolling your eyes a la Body of Lies. You are engaged. Pitt manages to keep you entertained through out.

He's also admirable for not just relying on his looks. It's so easy to just sit back in Hollywood and use your evolution-given looks to score easy paychecks. This man, however, CARES for his craft and takes roles as off-beat characters in movies like 12 Monkeys and Snatch, where isn't the pretty boy. The man loves to act, and to him, it's not a job. It's an adventure.

By now, you've got to be wondering why I'm verbally (typingly?) fellating Brad Pitt and where this came from. It has to do with the trailer for Inglorious Basterds, which comes out August 21st. From the looks of the trailer alone, Pitt'll be playing a crazy Southern Nazi-killing machine with a screw loose. This is a part most character actors take, but instead, Pitt ASKED to be in the movie. He has nothing but balls because odds are the picture will not be as profitable as some of his others. He doesn't care about the success though; he wanted to do it because he LIKED it. Crazy.

Brad Pitt is a damn fine actor and deserves any and all of the praise he gets, regardless if I feel like I should hate him or not. See Inglorious Basterds next month if you don't believe me. Now, while you watch the trailer below, I'm going to go lift weights in an attempt to regain my manhood.

-Jon